


Sing No Requiem

by Purplefern



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abandonment, Amoral Squip, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Before Upgrade I guess?, But it's the Squip's form of comfort, Dear Evan Hansen References, During Canon, Emotional Abuse, Gen, Guilt, Headcanons about Jeremy's mom, Helpful Jeremy Heere's Squip, I Tried, I'm Bad At Endings, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jeremy Heere's Squip Being an Asshole, Kinda, So Jeremy might need some comfort for the comfort, but for good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23299327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplefern/pseuds/Purplefern
Summary: Jeremy always has a difficult day on the anniversary of his mom leaving. The Squip attempts to fix that, and some other emotional problems Jeremy hadn't even realized.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Mother (Referenced), Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Squip
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Sing No Requiem

**Author's Note:**

> Some tangentially related recommended listening (also what I stole the title from): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN9x0v2-deU

There was something wrong with its user. The Squip had noticed it as soon as Jeremy was awake. It quickly accessed his brain activity, sorting through all of the thoughts that were going through his mind. One particular memory kept looping, an image of a woman walking out of a door and down to a car, followed by a rampant and disorienting stream of similarly themed  _ why  _ and  _ what did I do _ lines of thought. The cycle continued, and Jeremy’s heart rate rapidly raised, and even though the day had just started, tears were starting to build in his eyes. 

The computer metaphysically frowned at all of this. This “mother” was causing Jeremy a significant amount of stress. That was not good. Not only would stress like this ruin his appearance and mental state, but it was also a school day. Jeremy had little more than an hour to pull himself together, or risk crying in front of his peers, which would be distinctly  _ not  _ chill. (The thought of allowing Jeremy to skip school was so incorrect that it hardly came up as a viable solution at all.) 

Considering this, while trying to tune out Jeremy’s frantic stream of consciousness, the Squip went back through the memories that had been bothering its human, making an approximation of a humming noise as it sorted through the mess. It was not only the memories themselves that were getting to Jeremy. For some illogical reason the boy blamed himself for his mother’s departure, which was only compounding the problem completely unnecessarily. Seeing all of this, the computer set itself two new objectives: 

  * prevent Jeremy from further emotional breakdown over memories of “mother” and 
  * stop Jeremy from illogically feeling guilt. 



Running possibilities through its quantum processor, it soon devised a probable solution.While it couldn’t delete the problematic memories (well, technically speaking it could, but to do so would be difficult and dangerous to Jeremy), it could dull them, make them distant and indistinct so that Jeremy would no longer trouble himself with them. Within milliseconds, the Squip was running through the memories of the mother, blurring the edges, smearing the faces, in some cases erasing the dates. Many of the memories were already partially faded, and the Squip passed over these to get to the more painful ones. Task completed, it turned its attention back to Jeremy and his thoughts. 

It was-- not pleased, exactly, since Squips couldn’t feel, per se--but it had a certain kind of satisfaction at aiding the user, as it felt Jeremy’s senses calm down. He had gone from borderline panicking from a memory loop of misery and self-deprecation to simply mildly confused, the tears on his face slowing as he looked dazedly around the room. 

The Squip’s relative peace was shattered by the vibrating of Jeremy’s phone. Running calculations the computer realized that there was a 98% chance that the caller was the undesirable Micheal. Jeremy’s memories showed that Micheal was alway sure to call on this day. Well, that was unnecessary. The Squip was already in the process of fixing the problem. Micheal’s presence was not required (not that it ever was). As Jeremy answered, the Squip made sure to block the other boy’s voice from Jeremy’s auditory perceptions. Jeremy gave the phone a confused look as he answered but there was no one there, before hanging up. Still not having moved from his bed, Jeremy blinked slowly and looked around the room again. 

The Squip prepared to project its human form to the room as it sensed the human require its more immediate presence. It was already working as Jeremy said ( _ out loud _ it couldn’t help but note), “Re-activate”. 

Casting its artificial visage into the room, it responded smoothly, “Hello Jeremy”. 

“H-hey” greeted Jeremy uncertainty, and the Squip narrowed its simulated eyes at the stutter. It would, however, let this slide for now. There were more pertinent things for it to focus on, such as whether these events would play out the way it had calculated. So far it had only completed one of its morning objectives, but if its processor ran the odds correctly both should be resolved by the end of this conversation. 

Jeremy started, failed, and tried again to voice the words in his mind. (Even though he really should have known that that was unnecessary with a Squip). Eventually he sighed, slouching forward where he sat, and muttered, “Why am I even trying to talk to you?” 

Unamused, the Squip supplied, “Humans often find it beneficial to talk about their problems with others. Today is traditionally difficult for you, so you wish to do the same, and there are few other options available. I am what you could consider a captive audience”. 

Laughing awkwardly, Jeremy laid back on his bed, his legs over the side and his arms under his head, and said, “Yeah, I guess so. I mean, usually,” he swallowed back a sudden lump in his throat, “usually Micheal calls me by now, but, like, he hasn’t”. Jeremy stared thoughtfully at the ceiling, saying nothing but his thoughts converging in a similar, uncertain way. 

“But” coaxed the Squip, knowing that there was more he had to say.

“But maybe I don’t need him after all…?” hesitantly added the teen, as he focused intensely on his confusing feelings of the morning, “I mean, usually this day  _ sucks _ . I just keep thinking about--about her, and her leaving, and I’m usually too much of a mess to think about anything else…” 

“Well” replied the Squip, giving the appearance of leaning casually on the wall as it followed through the circumstance laid out by its quantum processor, “You won’t have to worry about that anymore”. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” scoffed Jeremy to the ceiling, before really processing what the computer had said. Then his confusion turned to a suspicion, and sitting back up to stare at the form of the Squip, he asked icily, “What did you do?” 

“Certain memories were causing you harm. I altered them to make them less damaging” it replied straightforwardly, still maintaining the appearance of its casual lean as Jeremy’s heart rate rapidly elevated. 

“You did WHAT?!” screamed Jeremy loudly, out loud, as he jumped off of his bed to be face-to-face with the too casual computer. 

“Jeremy” said the Squip in a warning tone, “Do not shout. If you must speak out loud, keep it quiet”. 

“I’ll shout as much as I f*cking want! You ALTERED MY MEMORIES?!” 

“Only slightly. I wouldn’t do anything detrimental to your mental stability. You were caught in a harmful memory loop, so I changed them to get you out of it”. 

“ ‘harmful memory loop’ “ scoffed the teen, arms crossed as he tried to figure out what his Squip meant, “You make it sound like I’m a computer or something. Like, what does that even m--” Jeremy stopped, suddenly realizing what it meant as he reflected on earlier this morning. His anger took on a tinge of panic, as he continued, his breathing quickening and heart rate shooting back up, “My mom. The memories of her on this day that I usually can’t stop thinking about…” Jeremy turned on the Squip with a fierce hatred, accusing, “Sh*t! You, like, deleted memories of my mom?! That’s f*cked up, even for you! What the hell!”

The Squip was unmoved. So far Jeremy’s reactions were exactly in line with what it had predicted. But all the same the computer would not tolerate so much shouting or being accused of something that was untrue, and calmly made its way in front of Jeremy until it was face to face with the teen, staring down his hot fury with a cool stare. “I did no such thing” it defended itself in a level tone, each word measured and deliberate, “I would not delete any of your memories, even ones that hurt you. To do so could jeopardize both your consciousness and mine. I only blurred your memories, dulling their edges and making them less distinct and painful. Your mind would have done so on its own in time. In fact, some of the memories had already begun to fade without my intervention”. 

Jeremy looked slightly unsure for a moment, as he considered what the computer had said. It was kind of nice to not be a weeping mess first thing in the morning. But she was his  _ mom,  _ he couldn’t forget her. She might have left, but he still loved her. He had to keep remembering her, she would be mad at him if he didn’t. (Despite the Squip’s manipulation, he could picture her disappointed angry frown if she knew that part of him  _ wanted _ to forget her.) And anyway screwing around with his memories was just messed up. 

“Yeah, so?” he argued back in a biting tone, although he wasn’t as certain as he sounded, “She’s my  _ mother _ . You can’t just  _ do  _ that. Put them back”. 

Jeremy stared down the holographic form of the Squip, and although it had anticipated this response it was somewhat disappointed that Jeremy apparently wanted to be in pain. It would convince him out of this way of thinking soon, but for now it would just have to comply.“Very well” submitted the Squip, undoing its work and restoring the memories. 

Immediately Jeremy fully remembered this same day two years ago. His mom, walking out the door for the last time, seeing her back turned to him as she walked to her car, how he felt hopeful that at any moment she’d turn around. Because she  _ loved him _ she had to have loved him, even if more often than not she only ever gave him that disappointed frown that he could now remember completely distinctly, as she told him that he wasn’t good enough. But she said that because he  _ wasn’t  _ good enough. She left because he wasn't good enough for her to stay. It was his fault, and he deserved the pain from remembering her leaving. Of all people the Squip should have known this. It knew he was terrible, it should have known he deserved it. 

So Jeremy’s thoughts went back to sprilaing as the tears sprang back to his eyes. The Squip tsked disappointedly as it experienced all of this and pointed out, in what could have been a “told you so” voice if it wasn’t so neutral about everything all the time, “This is why I blurred those memories. I see no benefits to maintaining information that only injures you”. 

“Shut up” spat Jeremy, daringly, as he rubbed at his eyes, “I have to remember. You wouldn’t get it”. 

Cocking its head to the side, it regarded Jeremy with a neutral gaze. It did, in fact, understand. Analyzing all the data on Jeremy’s thoughts for this morning, it delivered its conclusion to him in a passive logical tone, “You want to hold onto these memories because you feel obligated to since she is your mother. You feel guilty that if you do not remember, or fail to be upset by her absence, you would make her upset. For some reason you also blame yourself for her abandonment, and feel you 'deserve' to hurt yourself with these memories. Additionally, you have not seen or heard from her in two years, and you wish to see her, even if it is detrimental to yourself”. 

“How would you--” Jeremy started to protest with all the indignation of a teenage boy who wants no one to know how he feels. He was also caught off guard by the Squip’s observation, Jeremy  _ had  _ felt all of that but he had just never...put it into words like that. 

“Jeremy” replied the Squip, and if Jeremy didn’t know any better he’d say that it looked almost amused, “How many times must I remind you that I am in your brain? I know what you’re thinking and feeling, perhaps even better than you do”. 

“Well, if you know all that, why would you  _ still  _ try to take away my memories of my mom? If I’m feeling guilty about it, there’s a reason” argued the teen. 

“Again, I did not ‘take them away’, I only dimmed them. And I do not see a reason for feeling guilt. You should not injure yourself over missing your mother”. 

Jeremy stared at the computer incredulously at what was quite possibly the most cold-hearted thing he had ever heard. Unfazed, the Squip continued, knowing that Jeremy should hear what it had to say. He had been coddled and assuaged for too long, and it was only damaging him in the long run, “This woman left you and has not looked back for two years. She has left your father a neglectful emotional wreck, and according to my research was hardly the ideal motherly figure even before her departure. Even if you ‘miss’ her, she is not worth remembering, especially when doing so only results in a negative outcome”. Turning to Jeremy, it added matter-of-factly, though to the human it could almost be taken for kindness, “She has already harmed you enough by leaving. You should not allow her to continue to harm you. You do not owe her that, and you certainly don't deserve it”. 

Jeremy was tongue-tied at that for a long moment. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say that the Squip actually cared. But he knew that the machine was only saying what it considered to be objectively true. All the same, even if it was sick and probably wrong, he could kind of see what the Squip meant. And, in a way that made guilt broil in his stomach, it felt nice to hear  _ someone  _ roast his mother in a way he always sort of thought but never felt allowed to do. Talking to the Squip was so different from talking to his dad, or even Micheal. Dad would only make  _ excuses  _ for her, because he hadn’t moved on, and he probably still thought she might come back. And Micheal was always a comfort, but didn’t want to overstep his bounds (and, honestly, Jeremy couldn't say he would even want Micheal to say something bad about his mom. He was always stopped by that same nagging guilt and sharp disappointed frown). But the Squip had no shame, and didn’t care about Jeremy’s guilt. There was no gentle walking on eggshells from it, no excuses made. Only saying what it saw. And even though that made it a jackass most of the time, especially with the whole memory-altering-without-his-permission thing, Jeremy had to admit that it had a point. She hadn’t called, hadn’t written, hadn’t shown any sign she cared about him or his dad. She never looked back. Why did he owe her missing her? Why should he fall apart every damn year for her? Because she was his mom? That shouldn’t be an excuse, because she was one sh*t mom. 

“Thanks” he said simply to his Squip, who was still hovering quietly across from him. The Squip, of course, had heard all of Jeremy’s interior revelation, and was, again, not  _ glad  _ exactly, but complete by everything working out as it had anticipated. Jeremy’s guilt had been ridiculous, and now he realized it. Making no outward comment on Jeremy’s decision, instead it merely nodded its head in acknowledgment. 

“I--I guess I just needed to hear someone say that. It always just feels so  _ wrong  _ blaming her…” 

“You don’t need to explain, Jeremy”. Pulling up its holoscreens (which it used when it felt Jeremy needed to be informed of its actions), it asked, now ready to work with Jeremy’s permission, “Now, would you like me to resume blurring those memories?” 

Jeremy thought about the offer. It might be nice, not having those memories so strong anymore, but that just felt like the easy way out. And anyway, now that he was thinking about it, he wasn’t even worrying about them anymore, “No” he replied, surprised to find himself smiling, “They don’t bother me anymore”. He was more surprised to find that he meant it, and smiled wider. He had been letting his mother hurt him long after she was gone. He complained about his dad not moving on, but he was going to let  _ himself  _ move on. 

Sensing this, and satisfied that Jeremy had gotten over his painful past on his own, the Squip simulated a proud smile, agreeing, “Alright, then”.

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, boy, this was tricky to write. Between writing an amoral supercomputer trying to deal with teenager issues and juggling emotionally abusive parenting and the fallout, I'm on a slippery slope. And, honestly, I'm not completely satisfied with it but I wanted to get it posted instead of messing with it forever.  
> But heere it is, and I hoped you liked it. Leave Kudos, comments, etc, thanks for reading. 
> 
> If anyone wants way too much explaining on my HC for Jeremy's mom, I imagine her to be a passive aggressive emotionally abusive jerk, for a few reasons.  
> 1 Jeremy's low self esteem. This could be attributed to him just being a teenage boy, or maybe it could come from somewhere else?  
> 2 Someone who would just leave her family probably wasn't the best mother in the first place, at least in my opinion.  
> 3 Getting a bit psychological, I picture the Squip as only putting out what you put into it. It is a computer after all. It makes me wonder if the idea of "improvement" from the Squip could have come from Jeremy and his past experiences, especially since he's picturing the Squip as a sort of stand-in parental figure.


End file.
